Monthly Archives: December 2006

I love random phone calls from 3000 miles away, from people you never expect to hear from. I used to get them a lot more often, but I honestly think that some of my guy friends are now afraid to call me because I’m married. I often think about the whole “married girl with guy friends” issue, and I’m really kind of torn. I know there are a lot of people (particularly those of an older generation) who find it strange for a woman to want male friendship outside their marriage to their husbands. But at the same time, my best friends have almost always been male for most of my life. I have just always gotten along better with guys–I find them so much less stressful to be around. haha So I guess what I’m asking is: is okay for a married woman to have male friends?

A very important aspect of this question to consider is whether or not the friendship is shared by the husband. In no way, shape or form do I think that it is okay for someone to pursue a friendship with someone of an opposite sex if the spouse has reasonable objections and concerns about it and had voiced them. But if the husband is also friends with the person, does that make it okay?

Or what about long-standing friendships that existed long before you had even met your spouse… take Tiger for example. We have known each other basically from leaving our mother’s wombs, and have really been close, if not best friends, since childhood. We have seen each other through everything–family tragedy, relationships, life changes, etc, and remain close today. So are pre-existing friendships allowed, or are they too tabooed?

I don’t know what I’m searching for here–it’s just something I think about a lot as I’ve been trying to make more female friends for the first time in my life. I have never been good at being friends with women, I honestly think that it is a skill that I somehow missed out on and am now learning. The female friends that I DO have are mostly friends that I’ve had most of my life, and I don’t know what on earth I’d do without them. But as we are now spaced out all over the province I’ve been forced to make new friends, and I’m finding it tough.

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This is the first time ever in my life that there has not been snow in December. I grew up in a small town in Northern Ontario where there was typically snow from early October to the end of May. We moved to Southern Ontario when I was 17, but we managed to move into the ‘snow belt’ and though the winters were drastically less cold, there seemed to be even more snow. So in all my years on earth I’ve never experienced this… and I don’t know what to think about it. I’ve since moved into an area that seems to experience milder winters than where I’ve lived before, but a green Christmas? I don’t know if I’m okay with that.

The whole concept of global warming actually really alarms me. In my short life I have seen drastic weather changes–winters are much shorter, much milder, and summers seem to be increasingly humid and hot. As much as I love the milder winters, I know that they are a result of something horrible that we are doing to the ozone layer. I have a tendency to look into the long-term for most things, and I often wonder what things will be like 5, 10 or 20 years from now.

Anyway, on a much more positive note, I learned this morning that O.J. Simpson’s book that hypothesized how he would have done the murders if he had indeed committed them is no longer being published. I was horrified that someone actually contracted him to write the book, and it was apparently so detailed that it would have left the reader little doubt of his guilt. Unfortunately, because of the double jeopardy law, he can never be tried for it again. BUT, at least that trash is not being published. I was thrilled to hear it.

Shop Girl*

I’ve been sitting here going through some of my previous blogs, and I realized that I have done exactly what I intended not to do. I set out to have a place to write my opinions and thoughts on different things, and instead have been writing out recaps of my daily activities because it’s much easier. I have a lot of trouble talking or even writing my opinion because I constantly struggle with what people think of me. I’ve somehow settled into this mentality that what I have to say is never good enough and so I just say nothing it all, unless it is something I am ferociously passionate about.

I think that a lot of it has to do with the many immense changes that have taken place in my life during the past 5 years. I have moved 4 times, attended 3 high schools and 2 universities, got married, been through family struggles both with my own and with my husband’s, and have struggled to find myself in the face of each of these changes. I guess I’ve never sat back and realized the toll it has taken on who I was and whom I am becoming. The strength, motivation and courage to not be afraid to be myself somehow got tangled in the process and I have to admit that I now have low self-esteem, or at least lower than I did before. I’m not blaming that entirely on all the changes I’ve been through, I know it’s also a large part of my finally accepting that I am now an adult and face adult responsibilities. I feel as though I am constantly struggling with how people perceive me and am afraid to be myself in fear of offending or turning someone ‘off’, as ridiculous as that sounds. I’ve built this huge shell an am terrified to let new people in.

I don’t know how it started, but I want it to stop. I need to find a way to rebuild myself, maybe completely from scratch. I need to stop worrying about what other people think about me. I have no reason to– I have a wonderful family who loves and supports me, a husband who loves me unconditionally for exactly who I am, and a strong network of friends who have seen me through thick and thin. So where is this coming from? That’s the million dollar question. And maybe when I figure that out I can do something about it. But I’m hoping that admitting it will help me. So, there it is.

Shop Girl*