Sometimes I feel like I missed the boat.
Every time I open my Facebook my homepage is filled with photos of my girlfriends and their girlfriends. Pictures of cottage weekends, fabulous dinners, or even just hanging out together in someone’s kitchen or backyard… and I can’t help feeling immensely jealous. I don’t have that.
Don’t get me wrong–I have lots of girlfriends, and they are all amazing people. I love them to death, but I haven’t felt like I was really “in” a group in years. You know, the ones you can call about anything at any time of day, the ones always ready to get together for a good time, the ones who have been with you through thick and thin. Girls have this uncanny ability to meet and group together and form tight bonds that are stronger than anything I know. Mind you, sometimes this bonds break as quickly as they form, but really, if you’ve got a group of best girlfriends behind you then it’s like having a constant support system.
I feel like I’ve been moving all my life. When I was 16 I transferred high schools to take a better drama program (at the time I wanted to be an actor… ha) and left all my childhood girlfriends behind. Oh, I stayed in touch, but I was so focused on fitting in at my new school that it was difficult to stay close with my old girlfriends while I was trying to make new ones.
After only one semester at my new school my family moved 7 hours south to B-Town and I had to start over all over again. This time the change was almost too much for me to handle–when I transferred high schools the first time my friends were still all close by to support me as I transitioned. Then I left everything I’d ever known, my friends, my boyfriend and began again… in grade 12. If anyone else out there has also started in a new high school in their last year, then you know how hard it is. Think back to your final year of high school… it was full of the future! Plans for University and College were in full force and most people already had established friendships by then. Sure, people were very nice and I did make a few close friends, but it wasn’t the same as having a group of girlfriends that you start with and finish with. I was there, but always on the outside. I lost so much of who I was that year, it’s taken me years to recoup the confidence I had before we moved.
When I left for university I was sure I’d finally find my group of friends… and I did… but they were all guys. Haha! I’ve always found it “easier” to be friends with guys–before I got married nearly all my best friends were male. Don’t get me wrong, I became close with Star* while I was there and we still keep in touch, but in first year I didn’t find my group.
…then I moved again.
When the Hubster and I got engaged we decided we wanted to move somewhere together where we could start fresh, so I transferred to Hippie U and we moved to Senior’s City. For the duration of my undergrad I never felt like I really fit in there. It was a completely different scene from Ghetto U, and although I met some wonderful people there whom I love dearly, I still never found that group.
Teacher’s college was another experience altogether… I loved that year more than life itself. Sure, it was busy, intense and stressful, but I made amazing friends… then placements happened, and graduation, and somehow things just seemed to fall by the wayside. We all live in different areas of the province and everyone is reconnecting with their old groups in their hometowns.
So here I am again. I’m not unhappy with the friendships I have by any means. I have wonderful friends… Material Girl* has stuck by me for 12 years and even through we really don’t get to see each other very often, the minute we see each other it’s like I never left. Gene* was my other half for years, and although we drifted for a while, we’re becoming close again and I am really happy about that.
But these are all individual friendships, and sometimes I just wish that I was in those Facebook photos, or part of those blog stories.
Sometimes it’s hard to be the one looking in.