I cried today.
Actually, I cried twice today.
And if you want to get really technical, I cried twice at work today. Before the first bell even rang. *sigh*
It was one of those days.
I didn’t get a call for work last night, so I assumed that I’d be off today. I always get up and get ready for work anyway, but today my heart was only half in it. My back was still bothering me, and I really wanted a day to veg and go thrift shopping–basically just have a “me” day.
As the Hubster and I were sitting eating breakfast at 7:20 this morning, my phone rang. Dispatch was calling to give me a full day assignment at a school I rarely go to. As much as I really didn’t want it, I never say no to work… so I began to get ready in earnest.
Everything about this morning just seemed to go wrong. There was absolutely nothing that interested me as far as a lunch was concerned, and it hurt my heart to have to discard my lovely yoga pants for work wear. I left my house only to find a frost-covered car, even though the Hubster had lovingly scraped my windshield for me before he left for work.
So, I sat and shivered in my freezing car while I waited for the rest of the windows to clear and again tried to psych myself up for a day of work I didn’t want at a school I don’t know well.
My usually hilarious radio show was only mediocre this morning, so by the time I reached the school my mood hadn’t improved. I parked, and opened the rear door to grab my teacher bag…
…and smacked my head against the door frame as I bent in to retrieve it.
Somehow this bump, complied with all the other emotions I had been feeling all morning, was enough to send me into a fit of tears. I had to get back into my car, dab my eyes and take several deep breaths just to be able to calm myself enough to make it to the front doors of the school.
I went in, and the secretary was professional, but not warm. She handed me my lesson plans and materials, and off I went in search of my classroom. I entered, closed the door behind me, and finally took a peek at what I’d be teaching today.
When I saw that I had lunch duty and a Grade 9 Applied English as my first period class, I dissolved again. I turned my chair away from the hallway windows and had a moment.
Well, several moments actually.
(I seriously had to start replaying this week’s episode of Modern Family in my mind to make myself stop crying. Luckily Cam is magical and always makes me smile.)
And then I pulled myself together and switched into business mode. I wasn’t the cheerful, witty/sarcastic teacher I like to be, but I survived the day.
As I sat in the staff room on my prep, I started thinking about why this day felt so difficult. Despite rarely being called there, I’ve never had a bad experience at this school. While the kids were a bit wired, they weren’t bad. While I hate getting morning calls, they do happen and it’s a part of my job.
So why the tears?
I think the things I’m craving most throughout this pregnancy are consistency and familiarity. I find being in familiar environments very comforting, and the idea of going to a school I didn’t know well was very stressful. I didn’t know where the washrooms were, what the school policies were, what the kids would be like, etc. Essentially, I had no idea what the day would hold.
Not knowing where the bathrooms are sounds like such a silly thing… but for a pregnant woman who can barely make it through two periods before needing a break, not knowing how to get there and how long it would take from my class was hard.
For the last two months I’ve worked almost exclusively at my two favourite schools. The kids know me. The staff knows me. I know the schools inside and out. I know what to expect when I’m there.
And being in a situation where I didn’t was somehow incredibly stressful this morning.
And I’ve realized that these feelings are extending beyond my work life. I was just given a new responsibility at church and the whole idea of it has been stressing me out to no end. I don’t know what I’m doing, and I don’t know the women I’ll be working with terribly well.
Normally, that wouldn’t phase me. Right now I feel like I want to shut down whenever I even think about it.
Even the foods I’m craving are familiar comfort foods: chicken stew & dumplings, shepherd’s pie, meatloaf, etc… all the things we had for family dinners as kids.
I know that it’s likely being triggered by the fact that in just three months our lives are about to change completely. The wee-bean will bring a wonderful, amazing change, but it will potentially transform every aspect of our lives for some time.
And keeping things simple, familiar and comfortable right now makes the idea of change in the future much less… scary.
So, it wasn’t my best day.
I hate that I cried (twice) at work, but I just couldn’t help it.
I’m pregnant. Crazy crying before work is allowed, right?