Monthly Archives: August 2012

Ruby: 6 Months*

Posted on August 31, 2012 by Shop Girl| 1 Comment

I’m back! It’s amazing what a little late night venting can do for the soul.

First off: I promise I’m not depressed. I’m okay. The reason I felt ready to write about what I’ve been feeling is because I feel like I’m through the worst of it. It was a particularly challenging couple of weeks with Ruby, and everything just compounded on top of one another. My sweet bean was/is teething and wasn’t sleeping, which made for a very tired, stressed momma.

Anyway.

This morning I realized that I haven’t done a little update about my wee-bean in a while, and I thought I’d introduce you to my amazing six month old daughter. Lovelies, here’s Ruby:

Each month I’ve taken a photo so that I can mark her progress, though I’ve neglected to write about it here. Nowadays it seems like she is learning something new each day, so I really should be better!

I have deduced that my wee-bean is the most inquisitive child I’ve ever met. She loves to see and touch everything, and she doesn’t seem to be afraid of anything, or anyone. Ruby just loves to be held, and she hasn’t started making strange with people yet. Generally she’ll let you hold her and she’ll play with you as long as you give her a big smile when you take her.

She also loves to laugh, but she makes you work for it. She won’t just laugh if you make a silly face, but she’ll laugh and laugh if you play with her. She is extremely expressive with her facial features and has the one eye-brown raise down pat. In general, she smiles and babbles all day long.

She has always been a vocal child–from coos, to dinosaur sounds, to chirping like a bird–and she just began talking this week. She has been making the “ma” sound for a few days, but she just began chanting “Mum” and “Mama” over and over when she sees me or wants me, which absolutely melts my heart.

Ruby also loves to play. She adores her “bumper jumper” and swings / jumps until I finally pull her out. Right now she loves any toy that she can put into her mouth–we have a big collection of colourful teething toys that feel good on her gums. She has been “teething” for weeks, but her little teeth have yet to make an appearance.

She loves music, and will curl into my shoulder if I hum or sing to her. She also is really into Elmo’s World and the Wiggles, and dances away in her jumper when music comes on.

She is almost crawling, but isn’t quite mobile yet. She rolls all over the place, and can get up on all fours and push herself along, but she isn’t quite crawling yet. (Thankfully. ha)

Lastly, in the past few days my little wee-bean finally learned how to fall asleep on her own.The Hubster and I have been trying some new sleep strategies for her all week, and we are starting to see results already. She is almost sleeping through the night, and now I can put her down at night while she is still awake, and she can put herself to sleep in a matter of minutes. After months of it taking me anywhere from 1 – 3 hours to settle her at night, this is huge for me. I finally feel like I can get a bit of my life back in the evenings.

The few weeks were admittedly very challenging for me as she wasn’t sleeping well, and her teeth were making her very uncomfortable. Thankfully we seem to have turned a page and life seems to have gone back to normal. I am so enjoying being home with her, and am sad that I go back to work (part-time) in six short weeks.

In short, I am completely in love with being a mom. I seriously have the best kid in the world.

Posted in Le Bebe*

Looking In*

Posted on August 30, 2012 by Shop Girl| 3 Comments

Hi dears.

I know I’ve been… quiet this month. It’s been a hard couple of weeks for me, and I knew that my writing would reflect a lot of the emotions I was feeling, and I just didn’t want to pour that all here.

I’m not quite sure how to begin what I want to write without making it sound like I’m being incredibly insecure and sorry for myself.

In a way, I know that I am.

But August was certainly a month of highs and lows for me, and I found myself on a roller coaster with too many dips. Let me explain:

A few weeks ago I confessed my fear of having people over, and how I’m taking steps to conquer it. For a while there, I felt like I was finally overcoming this irrational fear. I hosted both “big” parties, as well as casual dinners with friends and I felt like each was successful.

At the root of everything: I felt confident and comfortable in my group(s) of friends.

It’s no secret that I’ve always had trouble making / keeping girl friends, and I know I’m not alone. The response I had to my initial post about it was overwhelming, so I know many of you feel the same way I did.

I finally felt like I was overcoming it.

…then this month happened. It began kind of slowly: friends cancelling lunch plans at the last minute. Then an invitation I extended to another friend to come over one night was completely ignored. Then 75% of the guests who had confirmed they were coming to a get together I hosted either bailed at the last minute, or just didn’t show up at all.

I get that people are busy, but really? Not even a word to let me know?

And then lastly, my beloved little book club kind of… fell apart. It’s been on the rocks for a few months as each of us has gone through changes in our lives, but this month they officially decided that it was time to space out our get togethers. I’m trying to be realistic, but I am so sad about it. I counted on that one evening every month, even more so now that the wee-bean occupies so much of my day.

I know it sounds like I’m being a bit dramatic–I blame the hormones. But I suddenly found myself feeling a little like a leper.

I realized more than ever just how much I count on these get togethers and outings, as casual as they may seem.

Because I sometimes find that being a mom is really lonely.

How is that even possible, you ask? Don’t I have a small, perfect, cute wee-bean to spend my whole day with? Of course. And I love her with every fiber of my being.

But sometimes I need to go out to connect with the other parts of my self–the parts that don’t revolve around naps, poop, and the mountain of housework that I feel like I fail at every day.

I need to talk about books, the news, celebrity gossip and TV shows to carry me through the next stressful parts of motherhood.

I need those nights to look forward to, so that in those stressful, hard moments I don’t feel so completely alone.

And that’s really what August has been for me: lonely.

With all the changes that I’ve been through in the last year, it feels like things have shifted somehow. I’m not quite sure how to fix things, to be honest: I’m a bit burnt out. I feel like I’ve been pushing and trying too hard, and which is why everything that happened this month felt like such a personal blow to me.

So, I’m not entirely sure where to go from here.

Again I find myself in the same place I was three years ago. I know some seriously incredible people… yet I still feel a bit like I’m standing on the outside looking in.

It’s just… hard.

Posted in Complaining about something*

I Finally Did It*

Posted on August 7, 2012 by Shop Girl| 3 Comments

Today I crossed something off my to-do list that I have been meaning to do for years.

I finally applied for a passport.

This may sound like something small and silly to you, but it has been on my to-do list and has literally been staring me in the face for years.

This is my kitchen whiteboard. As you can see, I missed my most recent deadline for this goal by a few days weeks months. Before this most recent change, that goal sat on that board for two years.

*bows head in shame*

I don’t know what took me so long, I suppose it was because I knew we didn’t have any definite travel plans in the immediate future. Then, knowing that I didn’t have a passport prevented me from making any.

Vicious, vicious cycle.

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I just decided to git’er done. I carted Ruby off to Walmart to get our photos done, got our references and guarantors in order, and today we trekked down to the office to submit them. After a 10 minute wait and a few signatures, we were on our way.

And our pretty passports will arrive in two weeks.

(Well, Ruby’s photo is pretty. Mine, not so much. I had my hair up and look like I’m either losing it completely or just had the worst buzz cut known to man. It’s kinda funny. haha)

I feel… good. It was just one of those things that I’ve had at the back of my mind forever and I just never seemed to get to it. I love that it’s done, and that now I can travel!

And let’s be honest, now I can shop. Target isn’t arriving in Canada for another 6 – 8 months, so now I can jump across the boarder and buy me some shoes.

WIN.

Posted in Exciting News*

Sugar Cravings*

Posted on August 6, 2012 by Shop Girl| 5 Comments

{via: http://www.angrytrainerfitness.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/Sugar-Cravings.jpg}

I want to talk about something I’ve really been struggling with, to the point that I’m ready to talk to my doctor about it. I’m hoping that owning up to my struggle will help me finally find some motivation to do something about it.

I’ve had a hard time losing weight. I am fully aware that it can take a year or more to get your body back to where it was pre-baby, but a few months ago I hit a plateau and have made no progress. There are a couple of reasons for this.

First being, I’m not exercising. I’ll own it. I’m great at talking about it and setting goals, but I have found it incredibly difficult to find the time, energy and motivation to actually do it. I am a morning exerciser. I always have been. Unfortunately, the Hubster is back at work and is gone until 4:30pm each day. By the time he gets home I am basically… spent. Then there is dinner to get through, as well as settling the wee-bean. When all is said and done I can barely sit up, let alone think about exercising. This in itself is going to be another post, so I don’t want to delve too much into this yet.

I’m struggling with something that I’m not sure how to control.

I crave sugar. All the time.

Everyone does, right? Well, I crave it to the point where it feels like I can’t think about anything else. It feels like an addiction, and I sometimes feel like I can’t focus on anything else until I’ve satisfied the craving. And I find that it’s taking more and more to satisfy my cravings, and as much as I don’t want to eat the things I am, I’m not quite sure how to stop.

Even as I wrote that, I could hear the judgmental voice in the back of my head saying, “If you want to stop, just do it. No one is forcing you to have bad habits.”

…except that I often feel like I can’t control it. I’ve always loved sweets, but I always have had some semblance of portion and self-control over what I ate.

I don’t feel like I have that anymore. The cravings get so intense that if there is nothing in my house to satisfy them, I can’t think about anything else until I find myself baking something to dispel the craving.

It’s a vicious cycle and I don’t know how to break it.

A huge part of me has become intensely self-critical, and I fully blame myself for my excess weight and poor eating habits. The other side of me desperately wants to believe that it’s not just me and there has to be something off… somewhere.

And the honest to goodness truth? I’m unhappy. I amashamed of my body. I was so proud of my pregnant belly and how well I took care of myself while I was pregnant.

Now I hide behind baggy clothes and try not to study myself in mirrors.

It’s hard, you know? In my mind I still want to see myself as the in-shape, semi-fit woman I was seven years ago, but at the same time I feel like that version of myself is long, long gone. Now I am thirty pounds overweight, sitting at my computer trying desperately not to eat the sugary thing my body is currently demanding.

In my head I think, I’ll fix this tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll go for a run, eat really well and take a big leap towards my fitness goals.

And the thing is, I really do want to do that. But tomorrow always comes, and with it comes a lack of motivation and cravings more intense than the day before.

So, I’m hoping that finally speaking about it will help me actually do something about it. I’m hoping that opening up about what I’m struggling with will help keep me honest.

I’m hoping for change.

Posted in My thoughts*

I Think I Like Hockey*

Posted on August 5, 2012 by Shop Girl| Leave a comment

I recently came to a startling revelation:

I like hockey.

Let me explain. When we moved into our house we also got TV for the first time in years. The Hubster and I have a few shows we like to watch together, but as time passed I noticed that sports channels were being played in my house with increasing frequency. I knew the Hubs liked sports, but I never thought of him as someone who would sit down and watch some kind of sports game on TV.

I was wrong.

It was playoff season when we first moved, so I just figured that the Hubster got all caught up in the Stanley cup fever. I “watched” a couple of games with him, but I can’t say that it would have been my first choice on TV.

(“Watched” = sitting in the same room with him while the game was on, reading or computer-ing, periodically looking up at the TV.)

When the weather started turning and hockey season began anew, I found myself sitting on the couch with the Hubs and my belly every Saturday night for Hockey Night in Canada. It began as a way to humor the Hubster and spend some time together, but somewhere along the way it happened.

…I actually started to like it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always enjoyed the sport of hockey. I played ringette for years as a child and have always been more comfortable on skates than in running shoes. And there is nothing quite like being at an arena for a game–the energy is completely infectious. (Also, hockey fries = WIN.)

…but watching from home? It had never been my cup of tea.

At first I sat on the couch asking silly questions just so I could understand the basic dynamics of the game and teams we watched, but suddenly I found myself wanted to learn in earnest. He was rooting for Toronto, so it became my team too…

…so much so that I decided that if Phil Kessel and I ever met in real life that we would be BFFs.

I suddenly realized that I not only understood the dynamics of the game, but I was connecting which teams had rivalries, and which numbers were attached to which players. I started to learn a little bit more about how everything worked.

…and I began forming an opinion on it.

Seriously. Who AM I?

On more than one occasion I found myself mocking Ovechkin and his lack of front teeth. I fell in love with Carey Price after the All-Star Competition and decided that we could be BFFs too. I followed Stamkos and his incredibly high goal-scoring season.

And I was doing a lot of it when we weren’t even watching hockey.

Now that the season is over I actually find that I miss it. I miss curling up on the couch with the Hubs and our wee-bean every Saturday night to watch the game. I miss watching the game. The Hubster has been watching baseball this summer and I am bored. I tried to watch it with him, but it’s just not the same. It’s too… slow.

And there aren’t any fights. Ha.

So, in the off season I’ve caught myself reading up on things on more than one occasion. I found out about Tim Thomas’ latest escapade before he did, and I’ve found myself following the trades and recognizing players that I know.

I simply can’t deny it any more: I like to watch hockey. On TV.

…and I would even watch it by myself, instead of another program. I’m not quite to the “Me Like Hockey” level, but it’s coming close. haha!