Category Archives: My thoughts*

Hi, February*

Posted on February 1, 2013 by Shop Girl| 1 Comment

So, it’s a new month.

I’m quite happy to have January behind me, and I already feel like things are looking up a little. Simply put: I had a really great day.

For starters, it was very chilly today… but the sun came out and it ended up being a beautiful, frosty day. I’ll take that as a win.

I also was able to go back into a school I used to spend quite a bit of time at–the school I originally started volunteering in before I got on the supply list. It was my first time back in over a year, and it was so nice to see some of the staff I love and visit.

While I was in the office catching up with some of the secretaries, a VP I know somewhat came through the office and stopped when he saw me. He looked at me for a minute, then said:

“You’re Shop Girl, aren’t you.”

When I replied that I was, I wasn’t prepared for what he said next. He looked at me and told me that I had just been highly recommended to the school by another VP. My face must have registered my shock, and he asked me if I had recently had an interview at MDS. When I nodded, he went on to tell me that the VP (who I was sure thought I was a total flop) had been in touch and told him that I had interviewed very well and was a strong candidate… and recommended me for any opening at their school.

I cannot even begin to tell you how surprised I was to hear that this VP had passed along a positive review completely unbeknownst to me, or how much I absolutely needed to hear it today.

For me, the very worst part of the interview process isn’t the moment when you hear you aren’t getting the job.

It’s the time waiting in between.

In this case, my interview at MDS was on Friday morning. I was told at the interview that I would hear one way or another by Monday. I didn’t actually get the call until Tuesday morning. That left me with four days to analyze, over analyze and over-over analyze everything that I said and the way I felt the panel reacted to it.

When I left the interview, I felt pretty good about everything. Within an hour I was retracing my answers and reflecting on ways I could have improved. By the end of the weekend I had ripped apart everything I said and was unhappy with the way I answered everything. By Tuesday morning I wasn’t even sure what I had said. haha!

I know I’m my own worst enemy. But after already feeling insecure about my performance, getting the call of rejection was a massive blow to my confidence. I was sure that the problem had to have been with me. How else could I explain losing out on a job that everyone was so sure I would get? I felt like I let everyone down, which added to my misery.

So, my confidence as a teacher was really shaken… but hearing that this VP was spreading the word–good words–about me, was exactly what I needed. It was validation that maybe I can still do this.

(Thank you!)

After getting a huge confidence boost, I made my way to my classes and had the best afternoon. My second period class was challenging, but my first group was a dream. Seriously. Best class EVER. We laughed, we learned–good times were had by all.

And then I got to come home to my wonderful little family. My beautiful girl just got her 6th tooth, and after today I think I can officially say that she is walking. Her confidence is growing, and more and more she is choosing to toddle on her feet rather than crawl. She is regularly taking multiple steps on her own and I don’t think it will be long before she abandons crawling for good.

So, it was a rough month and our home may be falling down around us, but I’m choosing to look for the good.

I may not be working as much as I would like, but I have a career that I love. Things in my house may be breaking, but I love my home. I am married to my best friend, and we have a beautiful daughter who lights up our lives.

And the VP at MDS didn’t think I was a complete failure. Ha.

So, here’s hoping February is a little smoother than January… but even if it’s not, I think I’ll make it through.

Posted in My thoughts*, Teaching*

Feeling Quiet*

Posted on January 29, 2013 by Shop Girl| 8 Comments

So, I’ve been a little quiet.

It’s been a trying few weeks, and I just knew that the spark wouldn’t be in my writing, so I decide to take a time-0ut. Honestly, so far 2013 hasn’t been shaping up to be a banner year. I know it’s only January, but among other things, Ruby has already been sick twice, I was in a car accident and wrote off our family vehicle (no injuries), and today I just received news that I didn’t get the job I interviewed for last week.

I try hard to be a positive person, and really–there has been a bright side to each of the things that has happened this month–but getting the call telling me that I was not the successful candidate for a position at the school I’ve put my heart and soul into for two years was crushing.

And this morning I broke down.

The hardest part of all of this, is that with each new trial I felt my confidence chipping away. My confidence as a driver, as a caregiver and mother, and now, as a teacher. And this morning I had a moment where I doubted myself in all of it.

These past few weeks I’ve really been reflecting on the nature of life and how it continues to change as I progress further into adulthood. I feel… unsure of myself. Not that I ever knew what life had in store for me, but I felt like I had a plan. A path to follow. And these past few weeks have made me question the road I’m on.

Every so often it seems like I have a year that challenges me in every way possible. While it’s sometimes excruciating to go through it, I have always looked back on those trying years with gratitude for the things I’ve learned and experienced, as I know I can’t always see the bigger picture when I’m standing in the middle of it.

I have a feeling like I might be entering into another one of those years–I can feel something restless stirring deep within my bones. It’s moments like this when I cling to the mantra from one of my favourite books:

“I will persist until I succeed.” –Og Mandino

So, that’s where I’m at. It’s been a hard couple of weeks, but I know things can only look up from here.

Posted in My thoughts*

Looking Forward: 2013*

Posted on January 6, 2013 by Shop Girl| 2 Comments

{via: http://village14.com/files/2012/12/2013_new_year.jpg}

Is it really 2013 already?

It sounds a bit like some futuristic date that belongs in a sci-fi movie. Like it can’t possibly be real… even though my calendar tells me otherwise.

I’m not sure I have the right words to describe this past year. It has been the most amazing and rewarding yet also the most challenging and difficult year I’ve ever had. There has been so much joy that I thought my heart would burst, but also some challenges that have tested us and pushed us to new limits.

Ah, 2012. It began with an extremely pregnant me racing to finish work in my dream job before the wee-bean arrived. I am so glad that I was able to experience what full-time work is like, even if it was just for a short time. And then it was over, and my darling Ruby arrived.

*Just to clarify one last time, Ruby is not her real name. Just as I am “Shop Girl” around these parts, my wee-bean is “Ruby”.

Even though her arrival didn’t happen exactly the way I expected, it all feels like a fuzzy memory that has now been surrounded by a haze of happiness and love. While I’m pretty sure I was a bit of a zombie-mom for the first several months of her life, I had no idea that a person so small could bring so much joy into our lives. It took us a while to get the hang of things and find our rhythm as parents, and we’ve certainly had our ups and downs and hit a few bumps along the way, but I am so in love with my little family.

So, I suppose if I had to choose a word to describe my year, that would be it: love.

I took a minute to review the goals I set for this year, and I am pretty sure I completely failed at most of them:

1) Take care of myself. (If I learned anything from the last year, it’s that I tend to take on WAY too much, stress out and overwhelm myself, then forget to find the balance I need to be healthy and happy. With the wee-bean’s imminent arrival, I need to take care of myself in order to properly take care of her and the Hubster and enjoy the life I want. I know this will mean learning how to say “no” in certain situations, something I’ve never been good at.)
2) Express Gratitude.
3) Eat well.
4) Exercise regularly & feel good in my clothes.
5) Run a race.
6) Read often.
7) Write often.
8) Set aside time to spend with my Hubster, that doesn’t involve working on our house.
9) Read the Book of Mormon.
10) Be a good mom.

I’ll be honest–I don’t feel that I excelled at any of these. But I’m okay with that. For me, I feel that my biggest accomplishment of 2012 is acceptance. Somewhere along the way I accepted that my house will never be as clean as I want it to be, I’ll never look exactly the same way I did before the baby, and I may not ever win the mom-of-the-year award for making amazing things off pinterest for my kids.

But I’m okay with that. Because at the end of every day, I know that I have done my best. Ruby is thriving, the Hubster is still the love of my life, and my family knows I love them. Everything else can wait. I’ve learned my limits, and while some days I can tackle the world, other days it’s all I can do to get through in one piece.

And I’m okay with that. Because every day is a new day, with no mistakes in in yet.

That being said, I still feel it’s important to set goals and have something to work towards each year. This year my goals are a little more personal, but they are things I hope to work on and continue growing as a wife, mother, sister, daughter and friend.

1) Show my family that I love them every day.
2) Focus on the things I love about my body, instead of the things I want to change.
3) Go easy on myself. Instead of viewing challenges as areas I am failing in my life, accept them as opportunities for growth.
4) Read. Every day.
5) Find the joy in running again. Run for pleasure, not to lose weight.
6) Have a regular date night with the Hubster.
7) Make time to go out with friends, but stop feeling guilty if I can’t do everything I want to.
8) Be the best I can be–Mother, Wife, Sister, Daughter, Teacher, Friend.
9) Write something. Every day.
10) Love myself. Be patient, realistic, kind, understanding–try not to treat myself with less respect than I would someone else.

I spent a lot of time this year being very hard on myself. All I could see were the areas I where I felt I was failing, and I took those failures very hard. There were moments where I felt like I was a terrible mother, a terrible wife, and certainly a terrible friend as I navigated through the changes this year. I spent a lot of time feeling very alone, and feeling quite sorry for myself as a result.

It took me a while to really realize that those feelings were helping no one. It sounds so simple, but it took me a while to realize that I am in charge of my own happiness, and dang it, I’m taking the reins from here on out. I know life won’t always be smooth sailing, but I plan to enjoy the waves for what they are.

You know, it’s funny. I knew that motherhood would change my life, but I didn’t really realize just how much it would also change me.

So bring it on, 2013. I’m ready for you.

Posted in Goals*, My thoughts*

Sunday Funday*

Posted on December 2, 2012 by Shop Girl| 1 Comment

I love Sundays.

For me, it’s a day unlike any other in the week. Let me explain:

To most of the people I know, Sundays are just an extension of the weekend. A “Second Saturday”, if you will. Saturdays are typically for unwinding after a long week, and Sundays are great to run errands and prep for the week ahead.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I’ve just always seen things a little differently.

My faith isn’t something I typically openly talk about here. It is something deeply important and personal to me, and if you ask me about it–I’ll tell you whatever you want to know. But I always hesitate to begin the discussion as I never want to seem like I’m pushing my beliefs onto anyone else.

That being said, I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. In layman’s terms, I’m a Mormon.

The media has all kinds of words and ideas to describe what that means, and what they think I believe. Maybe they’re right about some of it. All I know is that I’m just me. I can’t speak for anyone else. I personally love my beliefs, and how they shape who I am.

And I love how it’s taught me to look at Sundays.

For me, Saturday is my everything day. It’s my relax/clean/run errands/visit friends & hang out day. I squish it all in.

And then Sunday arrives. While I’ll admit the getting ready and organized for church bit can sometimes be crazy hectic, it’s worth it. Having that time at church is like a reset button for me, and it centers me so I feel ready to take on whatever the week brings.

The rest of our Sundays are spent together as a family. We certainly don’t stay in our dress clothes, sit in a circle and sing Kumbaya all afternoon, but we do treat the day a little differently.

For me, unless I absolutely have to, I try not to work, shop, eat out or go out. I squeeze all that in on Saturday, and I love to spend my Sundays at home, or visiting with family. It’s my recharge day.

My day of rest.

We hang out here, nap (when Ruby allows), eat lazy food (breakfast for dinner) and spend time together without all the distractions of our usually busy week. Occasionally we venture out and visit with friends, but it’s typically our home day… and I try hard to keep it that way.

Sometimes it’s the only “home day” we have all week, and I love that we have it. It’s something I look forward too all week long. It’s one day that I can count on where I can put the world on pause, even if it’s just for a minute.

It’s worth it to cram all our busy-ness into our Saturdays just to have this one day every week that is just… ours. Our day to worship, rest, reflect, recharge and be grateful for all that we have.

So, my Sunday fun may be a little different from yours, but I love it.

Posted in My thoughts*

Sugar Cravings*

Posted on August 6, 2012 by Shop Girl| 5 Comments

{via: http://www.angrytrainerfitness.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/Sugar-Cravings.jpg}

I want to talk about something I’ve really been struggling with, to the point that I’m ready to talk to my doctor about it. I’m hoping that owning up to my struggle will help me finally find some motivation to do something about it.

I’ve had a hard time losing weight. I am fully aware that it can take a year or more to get your body back to where it was pre-baby, but a few months ago I hit a plateau and have made no progress. There are a couple of reasons for this.

First being, I’m not exercising. I’ll own it. I’m great at talking about it and setting goals, but I have found it incredibly difficult to find the time, energy and motivation to actually do it. I am a morning exerciser. I always have been. Unfortunately, the Hubster is back at work and is gone until 4:30pm each day. By the time he gets home I am basically… spent. Then there is dinner to get through, as well as settling the wee-bean. When all is said and done I can barely sit up, let alone think about exercising. This in itself is going to be another post, so I don’t want to delve too much into this yet.

I’m struggling with something that I’m not sure how to control.

I crave sugar. All the time.

Everyone does, right? Well, I crave it to the point where it feels like I can’t think about anything else. It feels like an addiction, and I sometimes feel like I can’t focus on anything else until I’ve satisfied the craving. And I find that it’s taking more and more to satisfy my cravings, and as much as I don’t want to eat the things I am, I’m not quite sure how to stop.

Even as I wrote that, I could hear the judgmental voice in the back of my head saying, “If you want to stop, just do it. No one is forcing you to have bad habits.”

…except that I often feel like I can’t control it. I’ve always loved sweets, but I always have had some semblance of portion and self-control over what I ate.

I don’t feel like I have that anymore. The cravings get so intense that if there is nothing in my house to satisfy them, I can’t think about anything else until I find myself baking something to dispel the craving.

It’s a vicious cycle and I don’t know how to break it.

A huge part of me has become intensely self-critical, and I fully blame myself for my excess weight and poor eating habits. The other side of me desperately wants to believe that it’s not just me and there has to be something off… somewhere.

And the honest to goodness truth? I’m unhappy. I amashamed of my body. I was so proud of my pregnant belly and how well I took care of myself while I was pregnant.

Now I hide behind baggy clothes and try not to study myself in mirrors.

It’s hard, you know? In my mind I still want to see myself as the in-shape, semi-fit woman I was seven years ago, but at the same time I feel like that version of myself is long, long gone. Now I am thirty pounds overweight, sitting at my computer trying desperately not to eat the sugary thing my body is currently demanding.

In my head I think, I’ll fix this tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll go for a run, eat really well and take a big leap towards my fitness goals.

And the thing is, I really do want to do that. But tomorrow always comes, and with it comes a lack of motivation and cravings more intense than the day before.

So, I’m hoping that finally speaking about it will help me actually do something about it. I’m hoping that opening up about what I’m struggling with will help keep me honest.

I’m hoping for change.