Category Archives: Thoughtful Tuesdays*

Words to remember for a while:

Girls are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. The boys don’t want to reach for the good ones because they’re afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead they just get the rotten apples that are on the ground, that aren’t as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think that there is something wrong with them, when in reality, they are amazing. That is why we just have to be a little patient and the right boy, the one who takes a chance to find the good, right apple, will come someday… :)

Shop Girl*

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday. “I’d like to be six again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster– everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, “Well Dear, what was it like being six again?” Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. “I meant my dress size, you idiot!”

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Shop Girl*

Stupid People – by Andy Rooney

“Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, ‘I’m Stupid.’ That way you wouldn’t rely on them, would you? You wouldn’t ask them anything. It would be like, Excuse me…oops…never mind, didn’t see your sign.’

“It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says, ‘Hey, you moving?’ Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here’s your sign.’

“A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock. I lifted up this big ol’ stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, ‘Hey, y’all catch all them fish?’ ‘Nope. Talked ‘em into giving up. Here’s your sign.’

“I was watching one of those animal shows on the discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there’s only one way to test it. ‘Alright, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good…they want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you.’ ‘Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don’t wanna lose it.’

“Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, ‘Tire go flat?’ I couldn’t resist. I said, ‘Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here’s your sign.’

“We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then he says, ‘Darn that’s hot!’ See, if he’d been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

“I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn’t you know, I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn’t get it out, no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning…okay…no problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign…until he asked. ‘So, is your truck stuck?’ I couldn’t help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and and said, ‘No, I’m delivering a bridge…here’s your sign.’

“I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, ‘Are you still here?’ I replied, ‘No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here’s your sign.’ “

Anybody you know need a sign today?

Someone sent me this a while back and I always thought it was kinda cute and funny. Anyway, enjoy!!

A husband shopping center has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of six floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building and you can never re-enter.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself,”That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. “Hmmm, better” she says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?”

The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. “Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!” And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. “Oh, mercy me! But just think… what must be awaiting me further on?”

So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 – You are visitor 123,456,789,012,345 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at HusbandMart and have a nice day.

Shop Girl*

If you are a fan of 24, you will enjoy this. The Hubster found this somewhere and I just about died laughing. Enjoy!

Top Facts about Jack Bauer
The facts about Chuck Norris are impressive, but Jack Bauer has him beat hands down.

1. If everyone on “24″ followed Jack Bauer’s instructions, it would be called “12″.
2. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.
3. Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
4. If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.
5. Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
6. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
7. Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
8. When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
9. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.
10. If Jack Bauer crawls out of an air-conditioning duct and sees his shadow, it means that there will be 24 more hours of terrorists getting killed.
11. Under intense interrogation by Jack Bauer, the fifth dentist cracked and admitted he recommends Trident for his patients who chew gum.
12. Jack Bauer actually wrote an episode of Three’s Company in which there was no misunderstanding in the plot.
13. On Jack Bauer’s say-so, the film Gigli would cease sucking.
14. Jack Bauer helped U-2 find what they were looking for.
15. Coffee cannot start it’s day without being drunk by Jack Bauer.
16. GI Joe plays with a Jack Bauer action figure.
17. When in Jack Bauer’s presence, Chuck Norris urinates sitting down.
18. Jack Bauer can squeeze through spaces that would make a spider claustrophobic.
19. Tired of the incessant whining and complaining, Jack Bauer found the dogs and let them right back in.
20. Jack Bauer’s saliva is bullet-proof.
21. After receiving repeated roundhouse kicks to the head from Chuck Norris, Jack Bauer was heard to ask,”Can you go a bit lower? I was crammed in an air conditioning duct between 7:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m. and my back is killing me.”
22. Jack Bauer can eat five times his body weight in terrorists.
23. Concerned that his dog would break under interrogation, Jack Bauer snapped his neck and turned him into the bag which he still carries to this day.
24. Jack Bauer has the ability to smell sounds.
25. Ancient peoples sacrificed virgins to Jack Bauer in anticipation of his birth.
26. The only thing elephants used to fear was mice. Until they hurt one of Jack Bauer’s friends.
27. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
28. If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it’s f’ing beef.
29. Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
30. Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
31. Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
32. Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
33. Jack Bauer once won a game of rock paper scissors using niether rock, paper nor scissors.
34. Osama bin Laden’s recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
35. Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
36. Jack Bauer removed the “Escape” button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.
37. Every mathematical inequality officially ends with “<>
38. If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer’s seat, she’d move to the back of the bus.
39. Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.
40. Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better freaking do it.
41. Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
42. When Google can’t find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
43. Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
44. Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
45. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
46. When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
47. Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.
48. There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.
49. Superman’s only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
50. In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the heck have you done with your life?
51. Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.
52. Jack Bauer can get McDonald’s breakfast after 10:30.
53. Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
54. Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he’s done it twice.
55. Jack Bauer uses #1 pencils on standardized tests…. Jack Bauer doesn’t associate with anything that is #2.
56. You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
57. Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.
58. Jack Bauer does not use birth control, he simply demands that you not get pregnant.
59. It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards “The Man of Year*”, there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, ” *besides Jack Bauer.”
60. When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
61. Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
62. If Jack Bauer tells you to get out of the room because you don’t want to see what he’s about to do, you better stay your ass in that room because you’re about to witness the most shockingly awesome thing you’ve ever seen.
63. Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn’t a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are for pansies.
64. During the 18 months Jack Bauer was believed dead, CTU saved over $1 billion on ammunition.
65. In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
66. Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
67. If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
68. When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn’t go off, security gives him a gun.
69. Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.
70. Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
71. When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, “You’re in good hands with Jack Bauer”.
72. If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
73. It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.
74. Jack Bauer brings a knife to a gun fight and always wins.

Shop Girl*